Santa Claws
by Prof. Pendragon
Summary: Wanted well-educated wizard for managerial position. Must have an even temper and like working with children and magical creatures. Academics, dark creatures, and chocolate lovers encouraged to apply. Lupin really didn't know what he was getting into.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potterverse, Remus Lupin, or Santa. Honestly, I don't. I would like to but I don't. Oh well, on with the fic. **

_Prologue: Help wanted. _

Remus Lupin sat in his front room apathetic and very much alone. Things had gotten better after the war. They had gotten better for Muggleborns and Half-bloods. They had gotten better for house elves and those that practiced magic that bordered on the darker side of things. However, things had not gotten better for dark creatures, so Remus sat alone, unemployed, and bored in his tiny cottage near Hogsmeade.

He sighed and picked up the Daily Prophet and flipped to the job adverts. There at the bottom in small green and red print, he found a very peculiar job listing, indeed. _Wanted well-educated wizard between the ages of 38 and 100 for managerial position. Must have an even temper and like working with children and magical creatures. Position requires living at the production site six to ten months of the year and a willingness to travel. Dark Arts and flying experience a plus. Academics, dark creatures, and chocolate lovers encouraged to apply. Onsite interviews will be held at the Oak and Holly Bush, Diagon Alley on the 21st and 22nd of this month. Ask the barkeep for Missy. _

Remus sighed and folded the Prophet. It was worth a shot, he wasn't really doing anything the next couple of days outside of helping Harry sign autograph's and trying to convince Ron that just because he didn't like Snape that it isn't polite to stalk people. Especially, when one's idea of stalking someone involves casting random freezing and warming spells on someone and then making comments like 'Maybe you're just going through the change? My mum couldn't regulate her temperature either.'

The werewolf ran his hand through his hair, ever since the incident with Hermione the Weasley boy had been impossible to come into contact with. After all it was Ron, who came up with the idea bring another woman into his marriage bed. The fact that Hermione had more in common with Angelina Johnson was so blatantly obvious even a Hufflepuff could have seen it. But then Ron wasn't a Hufflepuff, therefore, he was totally shocked when George lunged at him at the annual Weasley family Christmas celebration. The realization of what had really happened didn't seem to sink in until the fourth time George screamed at him "Fred left with Hermione and Angie because of your pervy sexual fantasies and now I'm stuck running the shop alone." A week later in a stunning moment of rare sarcasm, Neville Longbottom had suggested that maybe Snape had given them some sort of potion. Unfortunately, Ron had never been much for sarcasm so he believed him. Similar to the time he believed he was a sex god, after Hermione and Angelina had told him while rolling their eyes and making gagging noises.

The whistling of the tea kettle brought him back from his musing. It was settled, he would see about this job. The worst they could say is no.

_**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**_

**A/N: Woohoo…End of Prologue. Thank you for reading. There will be other chapters arriving shortly and the story will be finished by Christmas…(evil giggle). But I digress, on with the challenge. **

**The Harry Potter/Santa Challenge.**

**So today, I issue the Harry Potter/Santa challenge to the fanfiction authors of the world or at least the one's reading this. The requirements for this challenge are fairly easy. **

**The story must involve a Potterverse character being hired to be Santa Claus; being seduced and/or abducted by Santa Claus; or being related to Santa Claus. The time frame is flexible and the events of the story can occur anytime between 1850 and 2050. **

**Santa can be good or evil.**

**Santa's elves and Wizarding house elves must be different. Extra points for having this cause confusion amongst characters. Extra points and giggles for any physical altercation this may cause.**

**One or more Potterverse character must visit the North Pole. **

**If the story takes place after June of 1996 and you choose to be in Sirius-denial, he must hum or sing "It's a Dead Man's party." **

**Extra points for: **

**The story being funny.**

**Dressing characters up as reindeer, astronauts, or house-elves.**

**Featuring the Knightbus. **

**Featuring any character in bunny or footie pajamas. **

**Using any of the following lines:**

**There is a fully grown Roman under this table.**

**Batman?**

**What are you going to do, drown me in 16 inches of water?**

**My hovercraft is full of eels. **

**Your sister is on special at K-mart. **

**For Merlin's Sake, could you be a little more angsty? **

**Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?**

**Oh my god, I've lost a buttock. **

**Well, they received Neville. **

**Oh, big man has a scar on his head. **

**Dementos, the depressed makers. **

**Have you ever felt that you were just a supporting character in someone else's book? **

**_And that's all folks, so have fun and be creative. _**


	2. Chapter 1: Here comes Peter Cottontail?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or his world, or the concept behind Harvey. Though, I do own the lavender bunny and Esme. **

Chapter 1: Here Comes Peter Cottontail?

Remus rolled out of bed on the 22nd determined to at least show up at the interviews set at the Oak and Holly Bush. He only had one problem, he had never heard of the Oak and Holly Bush, and neither had Harry, Dumbledore, McGonagall or Flitwick for that matter.

At times like these, he felt like he really needed Sirius. Sirius knew every bar and tavern this side of Bangkok, the pervy drunkard. Gods, Remus missed him. He gave a small sniff and went to get dressed.

Diagon Alley was as it always was, brimming with wizards and witches scurrying about on their daily errands. Of course, those wizards and witches weren't above giving the werewolf the occasional glare and rude comment. Remus gave a resigned sigh and headed to Flourish and Blotts.

Inside Luna Lovegood gave him a misty smile. "Hello Professor Lupin, Mrs. Blotts is in the back.", she chirped merrily.

"Oh, it's alright Luna. I was just wondering, if you might carry a map of Diagon Alley.", Remus replied.

Luna nodded and brought down an atlas of the Wizarding World. "Here you go Professor, just leave it on the counter when you are finished."

"Thank you, Miss Lovegood.", he said with a nod and Luna giggled.

She then gave him a far away look. "If you see anything unusual, you will tell me won't you?"

Remus slowly nodded, unsure of what to say. "Of course, Miss Lovegood."

"Just leave it on the counter.", she finished and walked towards the back of the shop.

Remus flipped open the book and found Diagon Alley but not the Oak and Holly Bush. _Blast, how am I to go if I can't find the bloody place, _he thought. "Where in the blazes is Oak and Holly Bush?", he growled. Just as he finished, a small wreath with the words Oak and Holly Bush appeared on the atlas between Flourish and Blotts and the owl emporium next door. He set the book on the counter and went outside. There was nothing there, just a brick wall.

The werewolf shrugged and turned to face the street. Suddenly, a very large lavender bunny collided into him, knocking him to the sidewalk. "Bloody eggs!", the rabbit snarled and saw the prone werewolf on the sidewalk. "Sorry mate, Harvey decided it would be funny to put an egg under my chair, and under Jack's chair, and on top of the bar sign, and in the chandelier, and down the barmaid's dress…Oh, sorry about that as well." He offered a hand up to a very confused Remus.

Remus turned towards the wall and saw another very large rabbit emerge from the brick face. "Ernie, you git. You dropped eggs everywhere, you blasted goose. Esme is fit to be tied."

Ernie turned on his friend. "Damnable Pookah!! You dropped those eggs."

"Pookah's ruin vegetable patches and get blokes drunk, they do not drop eggs. We leave that kind of pansy stuff to the 'ickle, fluffy, baby Easter Bunnies.", he teased and then worked to straighten his white fluffy ears. "Whose this then?", he asked finally noticing Remus. Ernie was clearly ignoring his drinking partner causing Harvey to tap his foot. "Ern, who the hell is this then?", the pookah bellowed into the bunny's ear.

"I don't know, now do I?", Ernie pouted. They both turned to Remus, who looked quite dazed by all this.

"Remus Lupin, I was supposed to go to the Oak and Holly bush for a job interview, but I think I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown", he managed to get out before Harvey was shaking his hand.

"Harvey Longears at your service, Mr. Lupin", he said with a slight twitch to his pink nose. "And this is my associate Mr. Dovie."

Ernie extended his paw. "Pleasure, Mr. Lupin. Just call me Ernie." Remus shook the rabbit's paw and nodded.

"Oh, don't sell yourself short, Ernie. Mr. Lupin, this is the infamous Mr. Earnest Lee Lovee Dovie, otherwise known as the Easter Bunny.", Harvey sniggered.

"Bloody Pookah Prat!!" Ernie shouted before tackling Harvey and punching him repeatedly in the stomach.

Remus was just about to abandon this hallucination and go back into Flourish and Blotts, when a very striking young lady bustled out of the brick wall.

"Ernie, Harv, knock it off or it will be conie stew on the special tomorrow.", she shouted as she separated the mad hares. "Now, Harvey get going you need to meet up with that muggle bloke in half-an-hour. Ernie, your wife called you best get going and remember to cast an anti-theft charm on your basket next time you pop by." She paused for a moment as Harvey scurried off and pulled an egg out of her bodice. "Here is the last of them, love. Don't let Harv get to you, you know how tricksters are.", she said as she ruffled his fur.

Ernie stood up. "Thanks, Esme.", he mumbled and hopped down the road.

Remus stared at the retreating figures of the rabbits. "Was that? Was that real?"

Esme gave an earthy chuckled. "Yes, though to look at all the blind eyes on this street, you won't think so." She turned to the wizard. "You must be here for the managerial position?"

Remus nodded. "How did you know?", he said suddenly self-conscious of his robes, which had seen better days.

"No worries, love. I've seen worse trust me and I know 'cos you won't be here otherwise, now would you?", she said with a wolfish grin.

"No, Madame. I probably wouldn't.", he said ducking his head slightly.

"No formalities necessary, just call me Esme.", she said and tapped her wand against the wall revealing a door.

"Thank you, Miss Esme.", he said with a bow and the pair walked into the Oak and Holly Bush.

**A/N: Woohoo. Chapter 2 is finished, this would normally be the part where I thanked reviewers but since I posted the prologue only a few hours ago, they have yet to manifest. But thanks to RosiePadfoot for the feedback, which consisted of her mocking my spelling and head-butting me whilst yelling 'bother'. **


	3. Chapter 2: Lunacy, Table for Two

**Disclaimer: (shoves someone under desk ) Please be quiet and stop moving about, you're tickling. Oh, hello. I do not own any of the Potterverse characters and have no idea about where they are currently hiding (tosses a bar of chocolate under the desk). **

Chapter 2: Lunacy, Table for Two…

Remus followed the toothsome barmaid into the tavern. He sat at the bar and took a moment to study her as she went about getting him a drink. She was tall, curvy, and disturbing. Not that she wasn't nice to look at, he decided she was very easy on the eyes but her long snow white hair and piercing light blue eyes made her look almost otherworldly. She leaned in and handed him a drink.

Remus caught a whiff of her hair as she pulled away. "I'm sorry to ask, but are you …"

"A werewolf?", she finished for him. "Yes, love, I am. I must say that if you are normally this quick of a study, I'm surprised they made you a DADA professor. My ol' Gram was quicker on the draw, of course, she was a werewolf too and quite cankerous."

"How did you know I was a DADA professor?", he asked slightly puzzled.

"I do get the papers. Just 'cos you lot don't believe in us doesn't mean we don't believe in you.", she said sagely.

Remus cracked a smile, finally believing he wasn't going mad quite yet. "Where are we?"

"You, my good sir are at the Oak and Holly Bush, a fine establishment dedicated to serving those that are never truly seen. And I am Mistress Esmeralda Cringle, proprietress of this stop over between differences in perceived reality.", she said with a small flourish and bow before moving to the tap to pour another drink.

"How so?", he asked, flashing a sly grin.

"Things that aren't supposed to exist can come here for a moment of relaxation before going about doing things that are the things of dreams according to muggles and wizards alike.", she said as she pushed the drink down the bar to a tiny witch with butterfly wings that was hovering about a foot off the ground.

"How did I get to be here then?", he asked slightly bemused.

"You are in the last refuge for imaginary creatures, and only imaginary creatures can gain access to this little sideshow.", she said kindly but sternly.

Remus took a swig of his draft and raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying I don't exist?"

"No, I'm not. How many wizards believe in good werewolves that would rather teach their children than eat them?", she finished coyly before sashaying away from the bar to deliver drinks to a party of tiny men in green and red clothing. Remus took this time to think about the events of the day. He was broken from his contemplation when a fight broke out on the far side of the room between a huge rave and what look like a hedgehog. Sensibly, he chose this moment to go find a table to sit at away from the crowd.

Remus sat in the corner of the tavern nursing his third stout of the day, wondering at what point he had finally gone mental; completely, totally, utterly mental. For Gods sakes, he was sitting in a pub filled with all sorts of imaginary creatures. _The only normal one of the bunch was the barmaid and she was not only a werewolf but talking to the lot of them as if it was quite normal to chat about national healthcare with the tooth fairy. She had to be a nutter, _he thought to himself. _Well, at least she's an attractive nutter, _he pondered as he drained the rest of his pint.

Esme was over to give him a new one in two shakes, two shakes that were emphasized by her curvy figure and sassy manner. "Thank you, Esmeralda.", he said with a curt nod and she headed back to the bar.

His attention was brought back to his table, when he head one of the chairs scrapping across the floor. He looked up to see what was going on to find what looked like a small, mangy wolf sitting next to him.

"Que pasa, lobo?", the creature asked in a scratchy voice.

"Pardon?", the wizard replied.

"I said 'what's up wolf?", it kindly repeated, baring its teeth in what it thought passed as a smile.

"The ceiling?", Remus responded not sure why his hallucinations were talking to him.

"Funny, wolf, funny.", the creature retorted. "No really, why you here? Your kind usually hangs with the wizzers."

"You mean the wizards?", the werewolf replied helpfully.

"No wolf, I mean the wizzers, 'cause they piss on everything they don't understand. You either a monster or a figure of someone's imagination.", the creature said with a hearty chuckle. The creature then extended his paw towards Remus. "They call me Coyote. What's your name?"

Remus took the creatures paw and shook it. "Remus Lupin.", he replied as brightly as he could manage given the circumstance of being mad. He noticed Coyote's eyes drift towards the door.

Coyote's eyes followed an elderly wizard, who was being escorted out by Esme. " 'Nother one failed. No wonder, nothing but wizzers and freaks applying. See Esme, she'll take him outside and BAM," he shouted the last word making Remus jump. "He'll be oblivated. Poor perro.", Coyote somberly continued but he started sniggering. "Not! Stupid wizzer. So why you here, wolf?"

"I'm here to interview.", Remus said with a slight growl.

"Calm down wolf, chill. Just asking.", Coyote backpedaled. "I didn't know, I thought you were just her for some lobalita action." He gestured towards Esme. "I've had some, very nice. But she'll only give me the time of day on the full moon. Something about not liking to date outside her species.", he said with a shrug.

The pair sat in silence until Esme came back to refill their drinks. "It will only be another ten minutes, Mr. Lupin.", she politely said to the werewolf before turning to Coyote. "I thought you were going back to America?"

"I was but I didn't want to go to quarantine, they think I'm dirty of something.", Coyote replied while scratching. "Why the rush, Mommicita? I know I am a bit of a god there but I could stay here and light up your life. I am the giver of suns after all.", he boasted.

"And a cannibal who ate two of his wives. Not to mention a thief, a liar, an incestuous letch, and a lousy tipper.", she finished with a snarl and turned on her heel, heading back to the bar.

"Esme, don't be like that.", Coyote called after her. "No worries, one wife was a mouse and the other was a deer, no big loss.", he said with a shrug. Remus was nauseated by the creature next to him and moved his chair further from the beast.

Coyote jumped on his chair. "I am the giver of suns, so you all can kiss my fuzzy butt, puntas."

A large raven flew up to Coyote and slammed into his head. "I am the giver of suns, son of a bitch. It was Raven not Coyote, who brought light to the world.", it cawed angrily.

Needless to say Remus was quite relieved when he was called upstairs to the interview. At the top of the stairs was a small room decorated in red, white, and green. It contained a small round table and two chairs, one only big enough to hold a small child or a house elf.

Remus sat in the larger chair. He turned towards the door as he heard the interviewer enter. She was a tiny woman about the size of Professor Flitwick with dark red hair and pale skin. Remus moved to stand but she moved her hand indicating that he remain seated. He gave her a bright smile. "You must be Missy, I'm Remus Lupin."

The tiny woman nodded and took his CV. Remus sat in silence as she read over his qualifications, wondering if Esme would oblivate him as well. Maybe that would be for the better, after all madmen shouldn't have clear memories.

"Well, Mr. Lupin everything seems to be in order. Do you like working with children?", Missy asked.

"Yes, very much. I worked at Hogwarts for a year and…", he started.

"Are you interested in the job?", she interrupted.

Remus blushed. "I am interested but I would like to know what the job entails. I read the description in the Prophet but …"

Missy cut him off again. "You actually could read the description?" Remus nodded and she looked back down at the file. "And you truly are a werewolf?"

"Unfortunately.", Remus replied.

Missy seemed to bounce in her seat and broke into a broad smile. "We will pay you anything you want. You'll get to work with children. And you'll get two months of paid vacation a year, weekends off, plus any time you might need due to your condition.", she said.

"It sounds wonderful but…" Remus tried to interrupt.

Missy called down the stairs. "We found him!!", she shouted and several tiny men and women flooded the room.

"Missy, I really don't think…", he tried again.

"Good don't think, it works better that way. We will see you in a few hours, Santa.", she chirped.

"Pardon?", Remus squeaked.

"You've got the job, Santa.", the little humans shouted and he fell into a dead faint.

**A/N: Well, the chapter is finished. Thank you for reading thus far, and thank you to my fantabulous reviewers. **

**Neoma: Thanks for the support. It was one of those evil ideas that just happened, like they do. **

**SpunkCynic: I'm glad you liked it and I hope it keeps up it's momentum so it doesn't start slacking in terms of humor. Also thanks for the review for Werewolves Fancy Girls **

**RosiePadfoot and Hornhead: Thank you, thank you, thank you. You ladies are wonderful. As far as the twisted little playground that is my mind goes just wait until A Very Minnie Christmas comes out. (evil giggle)**

**As far as the story goes, Raven and Coyote, both appear in North American creation myths and both retrieve the sun for human beings. Coyote also does trickster things like sleeping with his granddaughter and eating a few wives. I decided to give him a slight Chicano accent, because after seeing Coyotes in the wilds of Arizona for so many years, they do have a machismo vibe going on that can't be expressed in a posh British accent. Also he is modeled off a close friend that does talk like that when he wants my attention, he is a truly evil man. **


End file.
